Failure Is Not an Option

(repost from August, 2007)

That principle was something that was drilled into my head from the time I was a very young child. I thought I grew up in the Addams Family. Nobody was particularly affectionate, and Lord knows it was unthinkable to let others see you sweat, let alone cry. What develops out of this situation is a lifetime of feeling inadequate, unable to meet the stellar expectations that others come to have of you; a constant feeling of "running on empty", ducking and dodging the mundane pratfalls of life, tap-dancing until your shoes smoke and smiling until your face cracks.

I was talking to a very close friend about this last night. She shared with me some of her writings as of late and I was beyond shocked because I could have written those things myself. Today is another one of those days where if I feel like ONE more person tells me, "you're strong, and you'll be okay", I think I'm going to fucking SCREAM. I wonder all the time where in the hell this general presumption that Tracey is invincible came from? I put forth maximum effort for maximum duration, but guess what, ya'll?

I'm tired.

Yesterday I left this office pretty much on time and I went straight home (completely forgot I was supposed to make a couple of stops in Greenbelt). I got there earlier than I have in weeks and wound up on the phone for the next several hours. In my heart of hearts I had programmed myself that I was headed for the basement to hit the NordicTrack and then have a yummy dinner. I never made it off the couch.

Did I say I was tired?

There are a ton of other things that I should be doing at home that have fallen off the radar. The laundry's piling up. I haven't been sewing like I want to. I keep telling myself that failure is not an option but in every direction I turn I see reminders that my shit is foul. Logic and reasoning say I should reach out where I can and ask for help but the twisted perfectionista that yells at me in my mind says why ask someone else when YOU can DO IT YOURSELF! You CAN do it ALL! You MUST!!!

Failure is NOT an Option!

There is a side of me that HATES asking anybody for any kind of help because it indicates weakness and tends to open the door for a certain amount of dependency, and once again, I've had to learn the HARD way that the only person I can depend on IS MYSELF. I've learned that keeping my expectations of others abnormally LOW cuts my disappointment factor.

Welcome to Analysis Paralysis and Paranoia Deluxe.

This morning (after a long night of DOING NOTHING) I got up and threw some stuff in the crock pot to have dinner for the next couple of nights. I noticed when I was pulling stuff out of the fridge that I was in a little bit of pain. I started to wonder if maybe last night's break was the rest I needed. I was still sort of beating myself up because I didn't even bother to move the printer that I'd taken out to scan some pictures (yet another task that remains incomplete) to do my regular video, and then realized that after the last time I half-assed my way through it, it probably wouldn't have made a damn bit of difference one way or the other.

I got out the door at a reasonable hour, but of course there was construction on the Beltway that closed two lanes almost right at the junction of 95 and 495 on the inner loop. That added 40 minutes to my commute and I was late through no fault of my own. My people aren't tripping and I'm glad of that but I have a lot of stuff to get through today and I'm just not in a real good frame of mind.

However, I try to remember that in the grand scheme of things, the issues that I'm tackling right now are drops in the bucket. A friend of mine got word to me the other day that her 11 y/o daughter passed away on Sunday. Here I sit bitching about the piles of work on my desk and laundry in my hallways and she's burying her baby. How selfish and shallow does that make me, I wonder? I was talking to someone the other day who said that there are people who would be glad to have my life and my problems....

I'm thankful for the many blessings I have -- it's that just days like today are an uphill battle from the time my feet hit the floor in the morning. I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes three or four sneak up on me at once.... Can somebody please stop the world so I can get off and regroup? Just for a minute? I'll get back on the ball once I get a time-out.

After all, failure.... is not an option.