Jesus Loves You....

But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole!!!!

((originally posted via Yahoo 360, January, 2008))

That’s kind a jarring statement, isn’t it? Well… guess what? IT’S TRUE! There are very few lessons in life that are harder to learn than realizing that you.. yes YOU… the sweet-faced person you see staring you back in the mirror… is essentially a mean, egocentric, malicious, hyper-talkative, self-centered, three-headed, backspinning bitch on wheels.

Oh wait… I’m not talking about you. I’m talking about me.

At least that’s what I’ve been told. I mean, the news was delivered as gently as possible, but finding out that you are an exceedingly large and bitter pill to swallow is rough no matter how you slice it. Then again, who am I kidding…. I’ve long been aware that I am a most complex and difficult personality; even as a child I didn’t have a lot of friends because most of the other kids found me completely obnoxious. At least I’ve remained consistent. Anyway, that’s partly why I tend to limit my interactions, but I’m digressing here.

It’s nice to be reminded that I do have my compassionate moments, but taken in tandem with the apparent ease with which I tend to offend and alienate people, it’s become patently obvious to me that a lot of people don’t so much as LIKE me, but tolerate me.

*furrowed brow*

I don’t like being tolerated. While forming and maintaining strong alliances has been something of great importance to me, I find myself recently wearing more than a bit of egg on my face.

I realize that I am possessed of a number of unresolved psycho-emotional and interpersonal issues. I realize that my own pain manifests outwards from time to time in the manner in which I deal with people. I realize that in my anecdotal relation of my life’s experiences, I tend to come across as a blowhard largely interested in one-upsmanship. I realize that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and very few good deeds go unpunished. I realize that no matter the intent of the words I relay to others, no matter how well I meant (because in spite of all the above, I do not set out to marginalize or minimize other people or their feelings MOST of the time), all that matters is the perception of the recipient. I realize that folks aren’t always ready for me to speak my piece, or better yet, that they tend not to give a shit, on the real for real. I realize that most people don’t know me half as well as they think they do, because if some of them ever saw me REALLY advancing on another person with the malice aforethought of which I am truly capable, they would probably seek to have me examined by psychological professionals and heavily medicated, if not committed to inpatient care. I realize that by fully utilizing a carefully cultivated vocabulary, I sound like an incredulously pompous ass with no basis in fact for said behavior.

But I also realize a few other things. This is me, and what you see is what you get. I’m tired of apologizing for being exactly what and who I am. I realize that I’ve edited myself down as far as I intend to, and that even though I have exercised more than the requisite modicum of restraint (believe it or not, I say far less of what I’m feeling than people could ever REMOTELY understand), I’m still saying way too much. I realize that I am “overstood” and “underdug”… Most of all I realize that I am not alone in terms of my personal failings, but I notice that other folks act as they see fit when the fuck they feel like it, and in some cases are even encouraged to do so; and I can’t help but wonder why I’m expected to be “different” or “better.”

Therefore, I’ve made a few resolutions. I resolve to talk far less and observe more. I resolve to keep my thoughts/situations/positions to myself whenever possible, because I find that even when people SAY they want to hear the truth, they want some watered-down, politically-correct, polite-ass bullshit version of the truth.

(Oops, that’s my repugnant side showing again.. **tucking away the ignorance**)

What cracks me up even further is that when I do retreat more into my shell, or have very little to say, there are the questions… “What’s wrong… are you okay.. you haven’t been yourself lately.” Guess what: YOU CAN’T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. I’m okay with basically being a fly on the wall but nobody else likes that. I can’t please all of the people all of time. I can only be true to myself and make sure that at the end of day, I can look myself in the mirror and be okay with the bitch that’s looking back at me.

There are certain points that I know to be as real as raindrops: some things cannot BE stated politely, confronting other people regarding whatever issues you may have with generally tends to do more harm than good, and last but certainly not least, you can’t always keep it real and expect to keep your friends. I know another thing…I’ve given way too much energy to this particular subject, having spent a weekend with my both my neck and stomach in knots, and my nerves ablaze, itching all over.

At any rate, if nothing else, I appreciate the reminder… Time to dust m’self off and figure out what happens next…