Love Under New Management

(originally posted December 5, 2007 to Y360)

"Experience is a good teacher//it takes someone like me to know...."

-- Love Under New Management (Mikki Howard)


Good evening, family. As always, I hope this message finds you well, and in the best care of whatever Deity you serve. I'd gotten to thinking about certain situations and conditions as I was barreling up Rhode Island Ave. N.W. to one of my favorite fabric stores to get the stuff I needed for my dress for the Firm parties Friday and Saturday and it struck me:


Love is where you find it, and what you make it.

People often chastise for my stance on "love" without fully understanding what it is that I actually feel on the matter....

"Love//So many people use your name in vain...."
-- Love (Musiq Soulchild)

So let's start with that concept, shall we?

Again... I find myself at the receiving end of harsh criticism because I very loudly decry the notion of "being in love" or "finding new love" -- at least as that notion pertains to me directly (and before the tongues start wagging, this has nothing to do with my devoted Whatchamacallit, I'm just thinking and typing). I refuse to engage in the archaic practice of 'dating", which is basically regurgitating a bunch of semi-useless information over and over to a series of men, over substandard restaurant food and liquor that they'd rather not be paying for, who couldn't care less about retaining said information, and are most likely trying to crank up the timetable by which they can bust these draws. Sorry, cuzz... no haps. Peddle your papers elsewhere.

(Conversely and more politely, I say that dating is for people who want to get married and marriage is for people that want to have children and since I have neither the ability nor the desire to engage in the latter, then I am by default removed from interest in the former.)

Some people might read into the above and see anger or bitterness. I say ... "incorrect." Some people might attempt to call me something that sounds like crazy because of my desire to completely eschew romantic partnership. I merely say that the time in my life where that type of involvement is the central focus of my life has come and gone. I have been blessed beyond measure to know some of the greatest love that has ever existed. I do not mourn the passing of that love -- I am grateful for what I had, for it greatly enriched my life and for a time, added much joy to my heart, to my life. I revel in the romance that currently abides in my heart -- I am a big spoiled rotten baby and I couldn't ask for more.

I could go one better and say that even in spite of the qualities I possess that would otherwise paint me as "excellent wife material", the bottom line is that I'm rather self-centered and I do not find myself overwhelmed with sweat at the idea of the servitude that often comes with the marital relationship. (For y'all in the cheap seats, what that means is that as an unmarried woman, if I feel like coming home and eating yogurt and granola for dinner every night for a month, or better yet, NOT coming home at all, I can do that with a clear conscience. Once I take those vows, I need to make sure my Mr. has a meal on the table when he walks through the door (among other things) and that's not a responsibility I'm inclined to undertake at this point in time.)

I iterate further that at this stage of the game it's less about being 40 and single than it is about being 50 and solidifying a clear plan for how I intend to finance my retirement. (it is said that the love of money is the root of all evil, but nobody's said anything about respecting that dollar. Say what you want, but the lack of money when it comes to keeping a roof over one's head and covering other essentials and incidentals is certainly not a terribly pleasant reality.) Experience also tells me that there are FAR worse things than being single.

Where was I again?

I'm wondering if anyone is beginning to see the point of where I'm going with this post.

What I'm getting at is the notion that unless we're in a relationship (and unfortunately this mentality is more heavily applied to women than men), that we have no love in our lives. In reality, nothing is further from the truth.

The women and men with whom I associate regularly are a source of pure joy and divine love and understanding for me. Tell me I have no love in my life, and I'll tell you how at every opportunity I can, I help someone who needs help just on the basis that they would have done the same for me, even in my own limited circumstances. I will play you voice mail messages, or read you text messages, or archived instant messages from people who reach out to me for no other purpose than to make sure I'm okay. I could provide links and show you pictures of the people who have come out to celebrate my special milestones. I could give you messages from the people who supported me in my time of bereavement, and from the people who help me see my strengths when I'm feeling like a failure.

If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

Love is what I see when I look in the mirror (if I don't love myself, how I can expect anyone else to do so?), gap teeth, crazy hair, funny-shaped body and all...

Love is what I feel when I read the Bible ( John 3:16 anyone?).

Love is the wearable art that I make with my own hands that adorns the bodies of my friends, forever memorialized in photos or videos of their special days.

Love is this gorgeous little ball of fur in my lap, meowing and purring and nuzzling me (she's only been a part of my life for two and a half weeks and already she is a complete joy).

Love meant saying goodbye for now to the only flesh of my flesh (Mommy misses you lots, kiddo!!).

Tell me, again, that you have no love in your life, nor have I any in mine... and I will tell you... look around.

"Lift a stone and I am there, split a piece of wood and you will find me."

Love exists in nearly all things, if only we allow it to manifest itself. In my estimation, those are some of the truest words ever spoken. It is my sincerest wish for every pair of eyes that fall upon this message that your homes and hearts are both open to the prospect of receiving, and INFINITELY filled with peace, and most of all, love.

For without love... we truly have nothing.

Good night, all.