Seeing the Forest for the Trees

(originally posted March, 2006)

I got a pained, angry, ranting phone call this afternoon, from a good friend of mine who has grown weary of playing Captain Save-A-Ho.

The problem, you ask? Females come to him with their many tales of woe and wet up his shoulders crying over the ones that have left them behind. (Before I get too deep into this, I need to check myself and make sure I’m not guilty of the shit I’m fit’na get to ranting about. ((ON HOLD MUSIC)) )…

(SELF CHECK COMPLETED, we return to my regularly scheduled rant already in progress)

Forgive the sweeping generalization, but men typically like to keep things simple. Admittedly, most of the time it’s women who make shit hard. How? By reading every act of kindness that a particular man does to us as assumption of “ownership.” Sure, it was all good when y’all met. You fell into something “natural” that “neither one of you expected.” That does not a committed relationship make. Neither do weeks and weeks of dinner-and-drinks or Blockbuster Nights followed by mindblowing sex. If he didn’t sit you down and say, TO YOU, OUT LOUD, the words “I want an exclusive, monogamous relationship,” or something else definitely along that line, you fell for the OKEY DOKE. I mean… he’s not going to tell you that you don’t have a snowball’s chance in hell at anything beyond “friendship with benefits” or booty call status, because that would make him a callous asshole, and of course he’s probably trying to keep his stable as full as he possibly can, especially if you’re the type that spoils the one she THINKS is her man. Who gives that up willingly?

Now comes the hard part. If you see yourself, or your current relationship in any of the above, I hate to break it to you, girl… but guess what?

TO HELL WITH:
“HE’S NOT THAT INTO YOU”:
HE JUST DON’T WANT YOU. PERIOD!

My personal belief is that you don’t have to question, EVER, when a man really wants you. He will move heaven, earth and furniture to make his desire to have you in his life as HIS woman known. Further, when a man wants you, he’ll do anything to keep you – but if he DOESN’T, there’s nothing you can to do to make him stay. If you only see him at night… you ain’t his woman. If you’ve been seeing him for a considerable period of time and you’ve never met ANY of his friends or relatives… you ain’t his woman. Conversely, just because you HAVE met some of his friends or relatives, or because he does a few nice things for you here and there or leaves you a l’il $$ when you’re short, that doesn’t mean you’re his woman either.

Me personally – I don’t stake any claims for ownership on anyone. Let’s say there’s a particular guy I’m seeing, and we tend to get together at his place. Until and unless HE brings it to ME that he wants to move to the next level, the only assumption I can readily make is that any given night of the week that I am NOT on the premises, he could have any one of his stable in situ. Cold blooded, maybe – but it keeps me from getting my feelings hurt.

Sadly, all the information we (women) need is right in front of our faces, but again, we like to make simple shit hard, and we don’t LISTEN. We ignore the red flags and get mad when our friends do their duty and refuse to co-sign for the bullshit. We read too deep into the vaguaries they feed us and hang onto that shit like it’s the Gospel. It’s time to let actions speak loud than words, girls. Hear what isn’t being said. More importantly, stop hanging onto these Negroes for your happiness and do what makes YOU happy for a change.

Sure, there are exceptions to every rule… there exist master manipulators who hide behind the mask of a person who genuinely cares and will even lead you to believe they’re interested in more, but trust, you’ll die a slow death waiting for that day to come. Those aren’t the cats I’m talking about here. I’m talking about regular dudes, living regular lives who aren’t interested in serious relationships and the women who seem to fall hopelessly in love with them.

(Oh, and uh… fellas – don’t think it can’t happen to you. Some of us ladies are equally specific and unless there’s a clear distinction made as to the type of relationship in which we’re co-existing, no assumption is to be made regarding possession and exclusivity – but I think that’s a whoooooole’notha blog post. *SMIRK*)