This is a Test...

(originally posted April, 2006)

It’s not a test of the emergency broadcast system, and it’s not just “only” a test. More than the average man can possibly realize is hanging in the balance.

Each time a man approaches me claiming to be interested, , I’m evaluating carefully. If it’s in a written medium and I see all caps? Point deduction. Poor grammar and English? More points deducted. Come off the break asking for sex?? GAME OVER. You sank your OWN Battleship! I might also add that one rarely gets a second chance to make a first impression over here.

There are a myriad of ways that a man can lose points with me. Not only that, getting through the initial ordeal of breaking the ice only opens the door to intense scrutiny. You certainly don’t get ME at “hello.” I find myself at times being deliberately obtuse and indifferent (and even sometimes deliberately abrasive) in further attempts to separate the wheat from the chaff. It’s an extremely effective method too.

I was talking to a female friend of mine probably within the last month and she told me that I’d become too picky. I mean, if it’s too much to ask for a man that’s:

•Honest and secure in himself and his position in my life
•Somewhat outgoing and DEFINITELY romantic without being too clingy
•Respectful to women in general (misogynists need not apply here)
•Attentive to detail (the little things mean the world to me)
•Reasonably attractive who is mutually attracted to me both physically and emotionally
•Mentally stable without the use of psychotropic drugs
•Financially stable and gainfully employed in a REAL career with a solid and verifiable employment history
•Able to communicate his needs, wants and desires in such a way that I can’t help but appease him
•Possessed of a mastery of the Queen’s English, including vocabulary AND spelling, (but can flip the script and go standard colloquial or straight ghetto as the situation merits)
•Interested in current events of the world that don’t involve a major sporting event
•Cultured and makes a good presentation before family, friends and business associates
•Capable of enthralling conversation on a number of different topics
•100% HETEROSEXUAL

then I guess I better get ready to be single (meaning not involved in a committed relationship) for a VERY long time. Please note that I did NOT ask for Morris Chestnut or Shemar Moore, with credit scores above 750, who owns both residential and vacation property and holds either an engineering degree or an LL.M. (not to mention a burning desire to satisfy my every whim LOL), and pulls in a six figure salary.

((Hey.. a girl can dream, right?))

If you’ve read this far, you’re probably chuckling to yourself, “Who in the hell does this heffa think she is?” By way of response, I am a woman who has the whole world to offer and expects nothing less in return.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I think that I’m so much better than anyone else, but I have a clear picture of the man that I want to spend a significant portion of my time (if not, one day, the rest of my life) with. I get a lot of offers (although most of them don’t qualify as anything substantial) and I don’t have time to waste playing the getting to know you game only to find out you’ve got six kids, seven baby mamas, you live in your mother’s basement, you’re toothless, jobless and just plain SIMPLE. True indeed, there’s supposed to be someone for everyone, but the mess described above has nothing to do with me. It’s not in me to be raising someone else’s overgrown son.

See... I know what I want and need out of life. I’ve been married before, and I’m done having babies. The man who suits my needs can not only hang in for the bumpy ride, but keep up with me across the board. Together, we will challenge each other to grow immeasurably.

(Hold on a minute while I get the stars out of my eyes, please?)

This wasn’t meant to be some kind of personal ad or anything… but if you know anyone that fits the bill, can you give a me a heads up? And uh…if you’re thinking about stepping up to the plate – remember to step correct, or not at all. I don’t grade on the curve.