From Holy Matrimony to Unholy Acrimony

(originally posted February, 2007)

Isn’t it amazing how a relationship that we once cherished can plummet so deeply into the depths of Hell… such that it becomes impossible to deal with the other party in any fashion even remotely resembling a civilized one. I know, I’ve been there. When my once-cherished husband became an ex, all bets were off, the gloves were off and it seemed like anything that we could do to each other to make each other suffer became the immediate course of action.

It took me a really long time to realize that my daughter was the one who suffered the most behind this. Not only that, but she played it to her advantage as well. Her father didn’t have as much of a presence in her life as he should have, so of course, when I did something that she really didn’t like, the phone calls started and then we played the he-said-she-said game.

Then of course, there was the time that he fell so far in arrears on his child support payments that an arrest warrant was issued for him. He called me begging me to call off the dogs. It wasn’t any of my doing – at the time it was state law. Alex was visiting with him at the time he was notified that the warrant was pending, and what did he do? He told her “your mother is trying to get me arrested.” Did I believe he should have been thrown under the jail? Sure! Was I the driving force behind his looming incarceration? I THINK NOT! Then he had the colossal nerve and unmitigated gall to come up with the funds magically, and at the time I received the payment, he told Alex, I sent your mother some money so that she could buy you some of the things you wanted (most notably was a Playstation).

**eye roll and record scratch**

I couldn’t believe that he would sink to such depths. Over the years it got worse. He would tell her that I used to drink when I was pregnant (untrue – I wasn’t even 21 and didn’t have access to alcohol). He told her all kinds of things about our marriage (some of those things were true, but why burden a 9-year old with that kind of stuff?). I found it interesting that he never told her exactly what he said to me when I left. I never told HER either. I tried to take the high road and not malign him in front of her. I wasn’t as successful as I should have been.

My father never said ONE bad thing about my mother (my grandparents more than made up for it but that’s neither here nor there). It was not until after her passing that he (and other folks) revealed things to me that I never knew about her. Most of them were things I didn’t NEED or want to know (although I had a lot of questions) and have only served to add confusion to the mix. Mom, on the other hand.. whew, chile, she talked about my father like a junkyard dog. Luckily I was possessed of enough reasoning even as a child to know that there was a lot of anger and bitterness behind those words.

… and thus I come to my point:

If you find yourself embroiled in negativity with your child(ren)’s other parent, do your kids a favor and stop. Not five minutes from now, not tomorrow, not when “they” stop – I’m talking five minutes ago. My grandmother used to tell me that “it aint what they call you, it’s what you answer to that counts.” Another piece of wisdom that has served me well: Don’t argue with an idiot because the onlookers have too much trouble distinguishing between the two of you.

It has taken TEN years of divorce and a change in custody for my ex to figure that the grass wasn’t necessarily greener on my side. He actually stuck up for me through the whole mess with the abuse charges (He told the prosecutor that he didn’t feel that anyone’s needs were served by me going to jail and refused to bring my daughter to testify against me, which was possibly out of his own lack of desire to be present in Court, but I digress), and we have come to agreement on most matters regarding how Alex is to be raised. We can discuss things now, logically and like two SANE adults. He even hung out for a few minutes to watch the football game over Thanksgiving when he came to get Alex after dinner. We’re not exactly where we should be on my visits, and Alex’s visits to my grandparents, but thankfully we have surpassed the days when we could only communicate via email because the phone calls degenerated into yelling, screaming and name calling.

My piece of advice for anyone that’s having a hard time dealing with their parental situation: Don’t start shit. Don’t try to finish it. Don’t perpetuate it. Focus on your kids and giving them the best life you can, TODAY. You only get one chance to raise your children. They didn’t ask to be here. The one who dies having won the most arguments DOESN’T win. Man up (or woman up)… HANDLE YOUR business, and let your character speak for itself. Everything that doesn’t come out in the wash comes out in the rinse and those of us who have lived this nightmare will all have to answer for how and why we shortchanged our children in the name of one-upsmanship.

Remember gang… it aint about you. Your kids NEED you, and you don’t need the bullshit.